When someone we love dies, we expect to feel heartbroken and sad, but the reality of grief is much more complex, filled with difficult emotions that we could never foresee. Grief in Common, a website connecting grieving people, describes these as “grief roadblocks” that cause us to get stuck in our grief, unable to move forward.
Common grief roadblocks
Anger, guilt and regret are common grief roadblocks, and manifest in different ways depending on the person. Anger might be at our loved one for leaving us, the medical profession for not doing more, family and friends for not being more supportive or God for letting bad things happen.
Guilt often manifests itself as feelings of not having done enough, of “I should have done more:” – more to encourage our loved one to go to the doctor; more to intervene with an addiction or more to help them get extra support. Then there’s guilt: – at lending the car or not preventing a suicide. “If only I’d had done more, they’d still be here,” is a common theme. And then they are the regrets: – for not saying “I love you” enough; for not spending more time with a loved one; for not apologising or for staying away because we were waiting for them to apologise.
Where we’re afraid to go
The list is endless, but the important thing is to consider why we hold on to these emotions. Grief in Common suggests that they have a purpose and, once we understand that, we can start to let go. For example, anger can be a more comfortable place than sadness; anger has energy, purpose and often, a target. Other roadblocks can be linked to control and connection but, ultimately, they all distract us from the real pain and emptiness that we simply can’t or don’t want to face. They distract us from moving forward to a place we don’t want to go, that we’re afraid to go.
Redirection
Once we understand the “why,” the next step is to redirect our thinking and our energy to the “how” – how can we let go of these emotions, move past the roadblock and start the slow process of accommodating to this new world without our loved one, a world we did not plan, a world we do not want but one we now recognise is?
Grief in Common recognises this does not happen overnight. They suggest ways that may help – including letting your loved one be your guide. You can read their full article here.
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