Grief and Christmas

It’s that time of year – Ho… Ho… No…

It’s that time of year – holidays, families getting together, celebration. The expectation of excitement, connection and fun is in the air. We are bombarded by internet, TV, radio and in the shops. Everywhere you look there’s the pressure to “Enjoy the Holidays!” But what about the many grieving at this time of the year? Perhaps that is you. Perhaps you are reading this wondering how you are going to get through this first, second, one more festive season with the gaping hole of your loved one still raw and real?

Whether this is your first festive season without your loved one, or there have been multiple ones already, this time of year is often a painful reminder of the gaping hole of their absence, a reminder of how drastically your life and traditions have altered. So, how do you get through the winter holidays when you are grieving?

Your grief is unique

First and foremost remember: – Everyone’s grief and way of mourning is different. There is no right or wrong way to it so, there is no right or wrong way to get through the holidays. Don’t let anyone tell you how you “should” be doing it. Be prepared, have a plan – and know that is fine if at the last minute you choose to abandon it. If the plan includes others, then letting them know ahead of time that you might not attend, helps prepare them too.

You might find yourself in two minds – one wants nothing to do with the celebrations planned and yet the other feels left out if not invited. One part of you wants to connect with a specific friend over the holidays, the other shivers at the idea of a big group of people. One answer is to decline the invitation – but suggest a coffee after the holidays with the person inviting you. Or accept – with the caveat that you are only coming for the drinks before the meal. Only you know what is best for you. Don’t be afraid to let your wishes be known.

Acknowledge it

Having conversations with your friends and family around what you are feeling and what your plans are often helps them understand and support you better. Perhaps you are struggling with a specific issue or feeling around the holiday. Julia Samuel, MBE, a psychotherapist specialising in grief, says it is helpful to name what you are struggling with and acknowledge it by sharing with dear friends and those who love you.

Find ways to spend time with loved ones around the holidays in ways you can manage. Grief is a great isolator that makes you feel even more alone and separated. Find manageable ways of connecting with those who love you. Go for a walk in nature with a friend, have a cup of tea together or suggest a lunch date with your favourite family member who is in town for the festivities. Research has shown that connecting to ones we love is one of the most important ways of coping with our grief.

Guilt 

Guilt is a common among people grieving. Nowhere is it more apparent than during the holidays: – There is the guilt of letting others down because you can’t bring yourself to go to family gatherings, the guilt of bringing down the mood. Alternatively you might feel guilty if you do have moments of joy or laughter when your loved one is dead. It seems to hit from all sides. Just know that it is normal to have all these feelings at one time or another during the holiday.

Show some self-compassion and give yourself permission to feel whatever the range of your emotions that you feel. Bottling it up, putting on a glad face and stuffing down your real emotions over the holidays usually makes for, what Canadian grief counsellor Jo McRogers calls, Grief Hangover January. Be kind to yourself, be honest with yourself, get the support you want and need and remember, Christmas Day is just one day, New Year’s Eve is just one evening. They do not last forever. This too will pass.

Skip all together

If your grief is too raw and you realise that you will only be hurting yourself and making it worse for everyone to push through the family festivities then allow yourself the option of bypassing it all together. Instead, volunteer at a women’s shelter or an animal sanctuary, deliver food to the elderly who are alone and cannot get out. If you can afford it honour your loved one by donating to a charity dear to their heart. Start a personal tradition that honours your loved one who has died, whether it is as simple as making sure that special candle is lit throughout the season, or a favourite meal of theirs you prepare and serve one. Do what you need to make this season meaningful and right for you.

First Christmas without your loved one

If this is your very first Christmas without your loved one, you might be finding the anticipation of the holiday makes you feel doubly anxious and scared. Many find the lead up to the holiday as stressful as the holiday itself.

It’s hard to imagine how you are going to get through it all without collapsing into tears in the middle of the meal. It is impossible to imagine sitting amongst the chatter and laughter. The worry of spoiling it for everyone else also leaves you feeling conflicted and exhausted.

Holidays are stressful on their own, even more when you are in the throes of grief. So, be kind to yourself, say no when you need to. Take care of yourself, make sure you sleep enough, eat some nourishing, easy food, connect with someone you know loves and supports you, gently move your body out in Nature if you can.

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