Firsts: Surviving the year after a death in France

Anniversary Firsts

The first year of grief brings a succession of painful firsts. The most obvious milestones are anniversaries — the date they died, their birthday. Other difficult days include your wedding anniversary, Christmas, Easter, and Mother’s Day. Ultimately, the list of significant dates can feel endless.

The first year of grief — and what comes after

Traditionally, the first year after losing a loved one is often framed in this way – a matter of “getting through all the firsts”. This implies that the end of the first year is so significant that subsequent years will be easier.

We find that this concept negatively affects many of our clients who may be in the second (or subsequent) year of their grief, and so believe they “should be feeling better”. It makes them unnecessarily hard on themselves and more anxious.

There is no timetable for grief and there are no “should’s” as everybody’s experience is uniquely personal. Whilst some people do feel better after the first year, anniversaries, by definition, occur every year and so each one might often be a significant date for the bereaved. It is quite normal for an anniversary to trigger more intense emotions.

Surprise firsts

Many ‘firsts’ catch us completely by surprise. For instance, you might receive a card without your loved one’s name, or find yourself signing a card from just you. Similarly, filling in a form that asks if you are married or single can be a sudden, painful reminder. Additionally, small moments like laying the table for dinner or hearing a piece of their favourite music can trigger these unexpected waves of grief. These are all normal reactions to situations we wished we weren’t in.

Future firsts

As well as these reminders, there will be significant events in future months and years where the loss of a loved one will be keenly felt:- a daughter walking down the aisle without her father; babies being born; significant birthdays and anniversaries; graduations; going on holiday for the first time as well as situations such as suffering illness, family turmoil and other losses.

What feels right for you

There is no right or wrong way to cope with these events – some people struggle in knowing what to do but, as we have said there are no “shoulds”. For some, it is preferable to simply get through the day quietly, in their own way, for others it is important to significantly mark the day either alone or surrounded by people who knew their loved one. Others may be dreading a particular day or event and it can be useful to plan ahead. It’s also ok to simply go with the way you feel on the day. The most important thing is to do what feels right for you.

Cruse Bereavement have put together a short summary of coping with anniversaries as well as suggestions of ways to honour your loved one’s memory. Click here to read.

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