Easter and Spring, these words represent rebirth, nature exploding, Easter egg hunts, laughter and celebration. There is a sense of new beginnings and new life whether you participate in the religious holiday or not. However, if you are grieving the death of a loved one, this time often magnifies your loss and makes the mere idea of celebrating unthinkable.
Even if it’s been some time since your loved one died, holidays were perhaps a special time for you with them, and so thinking of that, reminds you even more of their absence, making the holiday more painful, and this extra awareness of their absence makes you miss them more.
It’s okay if this is how you feel. We all grieve differently. This is the important thing to remember, so, don’t let anyone tell you how you “should” be celebrating Easter or this Springtime. Trust how you are feeling to let you know how you want to celebrate – or not celebrate – the holiday. You might choose to ignore completely, and that is fine. However, if not you will find below some suggestions for you. Take what you want, leave the rest, or leave them all. Just be sure to take care of yourself.
Planning can often help in holiday situations. Give yourself options, let your friends and family know that you might come for a little part of the celebration and then leave, or not come at all, or stay for the entire time. Giving yourself permission to change your mind, have one or two different plans allows you to feel in charge of the situation.
Easter is just another day
If the idea of the holiday makes you anxious, and the thought of being surrounded by too many people you can always say no and ignore the holiday all together. As we said above, alternatively you might want to go for a short time. Maybe you decide to only go to the church service. Then perhaps you decide you would like some company afterwards – then go, change your mind. You’re grieving, you get to choose.
Remembering
Perhaps you want to be with family but you also want to do something to honour your loved one ensuring there is a space and place for them in the celebration. Eleanor Haley suggests making a Remembering Basket with decorated plastic eggs people fill with a handwritten memory that they share. It’s a lovely way for children to feel part of the remembering as well. Or perhaps you decide to have pictures or a scrapbook of your loved one on a side table, or one of the dishes in the meal is your loved one’s favourite and this gives an opportunity for people to share their favourite meal/memory with the loved one. There are many ways to ensure your loved one(s) are remembered.
Pace yourself at Easter
Plan and Pace yourself. Don’t feel pressured to accept any invitation, show up at Easter lunch, participate in the Easter egg hunt or go to church. Perhaps you decide to go to one event only. If you are usually the person who organises events, do not feel pressured to do anything if you decide to go. The people who know and love you will understand and accept that you need to take care of yourself. You don’t need any extra stress when you’re grieving.
Self-care
It’s hard to take care of yourself when you’re grieving. It is even harder if you are stressed about the upcoming holiday. Often sleep evades you or you only sleep fitfully. It is not unusual to forget to eat or have no energy to shop and plan meals. Drinking enough water and exercising can help.
Research shows that being out in nature and moving our body, even if we are only walking, can reduce stress and help produce endorphins that are natural painkillers and mood elevators. With the extra stress and anxiety around a holiday like Easter, it is important to increase those healthy self-care activities to help alleviate some of that stress. So, take that walk before you leave and have something healthy to eat before you go out.
If you find that a little stretching or deep breathing/meditation in the morning helps you, don’t skip it today! Do what you need to keep yourself balanced and able to cope better with the unpredictability and possible chaos of the day. Try to make looking after yourself a priority.
Indulge yourself
Eat that chocolate egg, no need to deprive yourself. If chocolate is delicious and your thing, eat it. Try not to feel guilty if you find yourself having a laugh or a light moment with friends at the holiday. Your loved one would not want you to be sad. Enjoy the warmth of the sun on your face, and the flowers blooming.
Find those little moments of joy. Richard E. Grant, the actor, writes in his memoir about the challenge his beloved wife Joan left him: – she told him to have a “pocketful of happiness” every day. In so doing he honoured her, and surprised himself.
Summary
It doesn’t matter how you choose to spend Easter, celebrating or forgetting it. What does matter is giving yourself permission to spend the day the way you want to. And remember, you can change your mind at anytime, and do more or less, whatever feels right for you.
Hopefully some of the suggestions above have given you an idea that will help you cope with the day in a less stressful way. Thus it may help you take care of yourself, reduce some of the anxiety around the holiday and at the same time, help you feel connected to your loved one who has died as well as your family who is with you. Perhaps, who knows, you might even find that pocketful of happiness in your day
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