The grieving process: Myths and reality

The Myth

For too long, many believed grief followed five specific stages in a set order. They thought that once these steps were complete, the business of grieving was finished.

This theory is known as the Kübler-Ross Model. It originated from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s 1960s work with terminally ill patients, rather than those grieving a death. Later, she made it clear in her writing that grief is not linear, that people can experience some or all of these emotions while grieving but not in any specific order or stage.

The stages were:

1. Denial – “There’s a mistake, this is not true.”
2. Anger – “Why? It’s not fair! Why did the hospital let him die?”
3. Bargaining – “Take me – just bring him back.”
4. Depression – “What’s the point? I can’t go on without him.”
5. Acceptance – “Okay, I accept he’s gone now, and I need to move on.”

The reality

First of all, please know there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There are no right or wrong emotions. There is only your grief, and everyone’s journey is different and uniquely theirs. Many people who are grieving talk about emotions coming in waves rather than stages.

While the emotions mentioned above are common, they aren’t the only ones. You may also experience:

• Shock and numbness.
• Guilt or self-blame.
• Physical pain or sensing their presence.
• Hearing their voice or seeing them.

You may feel these and other emotions after your loved one dies. There is no one emotion, no set pattern, no “stage” to pass through and come to the finish line of grief. Grief does not end, but it is possible to find a way to move forward with your grief, integrating it into your life as you begin to live again.

Understanding grief

Sometimes, understanding what happens when grief knocks you sideways can help you be less critical and judgemental of yourself, more patient, so that you do not berate yourself for not “doing it right” or for “taking too long”, even as you feel pressured by others to “get on with your life.”

The Whirlpool of Grief

Dr Richard Wilson developed the Whirlpool of Grief to help parents who had experienced the sudden death of a child, illustrating the chaotic, repetitive, and overwhelming reality of loss.

The waterfall of bereavement

The Whirlpool of Grief is a visual way to help you understand what happens when your loved one dies. As you row along the River of Life, even if you know the waterfall is there, you cannot really understand what happens until you go crashing into the shock, numbness, and perhaps denial of the event of their death. At the bottom, everything swirls around, and you find it hard to keep your head above the water, to function, plan, or organise your life.

Managing the Physical Toll of Grief

You may have physical pain and symptoms and feel completely washed up and/or wiped out and broken, wondering how you will make it through the day. Slowly, you manage to move out of the whirlpool of grief, even when it drags you back in for a while. Little by little you pull yourself out and learn how to live with the pain and sadness of grief, how to allow yourself to feel your emotions fully without them drowning you.

Slowly and painstakingly, you begin to float forward, not moving on but moving forward with your grief, which is the proof of your courage to love. With time, patience, and self-care and compassion, you learn to live again.

Reaching for Support and Healing

Healing begins when you understand the process, permit yourself to feel your emotions, and lean on a support system. Whether it’s friends or our volunteers at the Bereavement Support Network (BSN), we are here to help as you learn to live and love life again. If you would like to talk to someone about what you are going through, our one-to-one support volunteers are there for you.

In the links below you will find many different tools and resources to help support you on your grieving journey.